


The legs on the bus go step step step

by Lemonzzzest



Series: The BAU is having a wacky time [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: BAU group chat, Cishet??? What's that??, Crack Fic, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Garcia has dirt, Group chat, I made Reid and Rossi trans because I can, I would make everyone trans but then the cis kids would complain, I wrote this instead of studying, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Movie Night, Reid can't type, Trans Character, Trans Reid, and sleeping, and then he can, bad copypastas in chapter 2, bau, every chapter is just a filler, oh my god this is terrible, rip Reid, she uses it when she pleases, shitposting on a fanfic, surreal memes are the shit, text fic, they are all on something istg, trans JJ, trans Rossi, trans jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:15:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27545200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonzzzest/pseuds/Lemonzzzest
Summary: Chocolate Thunder: 1) JJ how in the hell did you decipher him?? 2) Reid SWORE???useless lesbian :): it's called having done a few too many keysmashes ❤useless lesbian :): or just not being a cishet LOSER 😽Chocolate Thunder: who said I was cishet👁👁Queen shit: imagine being cishet lmfaoooBaby genius🥺💕: imahine.JJ<3: imagine
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: The BAU is having a wacky time [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2013454
Comments: 39
Kudos: 320





	1. Vacation days and group chats

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to get this out there while I work on some other fics!! It's really short but I want to know what you guys think first before I develop the story more.  
> I also had trouble with tags so feel free to ask questions!!  
> I couldn't figure out how to put in images right now so I'll describe the pictures Garcia sent at the end.

_Penelope Garcia has created a chat with Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan, and Spencer Reid_  
\---  
 _Unknown chat_

_3:40 A.M_

  
Penelope Garcia: hello my lovelies :))

  
Penelope Garcia: OH WAIT I FORGOT TO CHANGE YOUR NAMES

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed Aaron Hotchner's name to: Bossman_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed David Rossi's name to: Italian Uncle_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed Jennifer Jareau's name to: JJ <3_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed Emily Prentiss' name to: Em <<33_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed Derek Morgan's name to: Chocolate Thunder_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed Spencer Reid's name to: Baby genius 🥺💕_

  
_Penelope Garcia has changed the chat name to: Bikini Bottom_

Penelope Garcia: there, fixed it :)

_Em <<33 has changed Penelope Garcia's name to: Queen shit_

  
_Em <<33 has changed their name to: useless lesbian :)_

useless lesbian :): now it's fixed

Bossman: Garcia it's 3 AM and a vacation day, may I ask why?

Queen shit: (:

Chocolate Thunder: As much as I love you babygirl, Hotch is right, it's 3 in the morning

JJ <3: I JUST fell asleep how could you do this to me :((

Queen shit: aw JJ I'm sorry :((

Italian Uncle: damn there goes my 2 hours of sleep

Baby genius 🥺💕: imageien geyyting sleeop

Chocolate Thunder: I can NOT read that, kid are you okay??

useless lesbian :): smfh reid you dumbass twink

Baby Genius🥺💕: :( tuoeping oos hatd, giobe me s btwak.

Chocolate Thunder: somebody just take his phone away I am getting a headache from trying to read that

JJ<3: He said ":( Typing is hard, give me a break."

Baby Genius🥺💕: Jayje, giocking LIBE yoi.

JJ<3: don't ever swear again it's addicting, also I love you too, Spence <<33

Chocolate Thunder: 1) JJ how in the hell did you decipher him?? 2) Reid SWORE???

useless lesbian :): it's called having done a few too many keysmashes ❤

useless lesbian :): or just not being a cishet LOSER 😽

Chocolate Thunder: who said I was cishet👁👁

Queen shit: imagine being cishet lmfaooo

Baby genius🥺💕: imahine.

JJ<3: imagine

Queen shit: that would be absolutely WILD

useless lesbian :): It would be like 7th grade all over again

JJ<3: Not 7th grade

Queen shit: Don't EVER make me think about middle school again.

Baby genius🥺💕: Imagine having had a regular school life.

Chocolate Thunder: ok WHAT is going on, one minute you can't type, the next you can??

Baby genius🥺💕: Garcia showed me how to fix autocorrect.

Queen shit: indeed

Chocolate Thunder: Baby girl you are the love of my life thank you so much

useless lesbian:): I-

JJ<3: I can't-

\------  
 _Bikini Bottom_

  
_1:48 PM_

Queen shit: 

useless lesbian :): hey op what the FUCK did I just look at

Bossman: Garcia, what exactly is that?

Italian Uncle: it's a bus with legs and a face

Bossman: ...I can see that.

Queen shit: it's called a meme, sir. Specifically a surreal meme :)

useless lesbian :): send more

Queen shit: 

Chocolate Thunder: Wild


	2. What's a meme?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby Genius 🥺💕: What's a "meme"?
> 
> useless lesbian :): oh no, take it back Reid take it back
> 
> Baby Genius 🥺💕: ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't know this much about memes.  
> Anyways I deleted chapter one from my phone a few days ago because I committed clownery and thought my parents might check it so I got freaked out (they didn't though, it's all good) so I forgot all their names and what Garcia named the chat. so sorry if it's off.  
> 😎👉

_Bikini bottom_

_2:20 P.M_

Baby Genius 🥺💕: What's a "meme"?

useless lesbian :): oh no, take it back Reid take it back

Baby Genius 🥺💕: ???

Queen shit: WHAT  
Queen shit: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A FUCKING MEME IS???

Baby Genius 🥺💕: ???No???

_Queen shit has left the chat_

  
_Chocolate Thunder has added Penelope Garcia into the chat_

Penelope Garcia: no don't bring me back to this CURSED land

Baby Genius 🥺💕: Please tell me what a meme is, I'm really confused. I'm sorry.

Penelope Garcia: This is a private lesson matter!!

\---  
 _Garcia_  
 _2:29 PM_

Garcia: Alrighty boy wonder I am here to teach you what a meme is!!

Garcia: Memes have been around since the beginning of the internet, those ones are classics yet cringey

Garcia: nowadays there are several sections of memes: Your typical meme consists of a photo essentially reacting to the text that compliments it

Garcia: then you have vines, Vine was an app that ran until 2016 before shutting down, a lot of youtubers collect their favorite ones and make compilations on youtube

Garcia: and then there's my personal favorite, surreal memes!! They consist of a photo and text that make you question everything you know!!

Boy Wonder: Wow, that's a lot of information, Garcia. Thank you for telling me what "meme"s are

Garcia: happy to help junior G-man!!

Garcia: now, for the next few hours I will spam you with memes, and teach you how to use internet slang!!

Boy Wonder: That's really not necessary.

Garcia: too bad (:

\---

_Bikini bottom_

_10:09 PM_

Baby Genius 🥺💕: I wish I didn't remember everything I saw.

Chocolate Thunder: what's up kid?

Baby Genius 🥺💕: Garcia just spent the last 7 hours, 40 minutes, and 7 seconds sending me "meme"s and teaching me internet terms.

Baby Genius 🥺💕: It's quite frightening, actually, how much information she has on them.

_Penelope Garcia has changed their name to Meme Dealer_

Meme Dealer: it's called ✨living✨ on the internet, my junior G-man

Meme Dealer: now!! It's time!! 

Baby Genius 🥺💕: Do I have to?

Meme Dealer: do you want me to tell everyone here???

Baby Genius 🥺💕: ...no. 

Meme Dealer: **@everyone**

Italian Uncle: I can never get sleep being here, I swear to god

Bossman: It's 10 PM why

JJ <3: I just got the boys to sleep you're lucky that wasn't sent 10 minutes ago

useless lesbian :): wait what does Reid not want everyone to know??

Chocolate Thunder: I'm more interested on what Garcia is going to have him do

Meme Dealer: alright Boy Wonder!! Now!!

Baby Genius 🥺💕: this is probably a really bad idea, but I'm already here, so...  
rawr X3   
*nuzzles*  
*pounces on u*  
uwu u so warm  
couldn't help but notice ur bulge from across the floor  
*nuzzles ur necky wecky*  
~hehe~  
*unzips ur baggy ass pants* oof bby u so musty  
Take me home n pet me n make me urs n don't forget to stuff me  
See me wag my widdle baby tail off for ur bulgy wulgy   
*kisses n lickies ur neck*  
I hope daddy likies   
*Snuzzles n puzzles ur chest*  
I be getting thirsty  
Hey I got a little itch, you think you could help me?  
Only 7 inches long uwu  
PLS ADOPT ME  
*paws on ur bulge as I lick my lips*  
UwU punish me please  
Bout to hit em with this furry shit

Baby Genius 🥺💕: I'm going to pray to a god I don't believe in now, goodbye.

_Baby Genius 🥺💕 has left the chat_

Useless lesbian :): wow I

useless lesbian :): Garcia what fucking dirt do you have on him because

JJ<3: can someone rip my eyes out thanks ❤

Chocolate Thunder: I actually have no words to what I just witnessed 

useless lesbian :): Penelope Garcia: ruining dumbass twinks' lives one step at a time

Meme Dealer: yeah that's me ❤

Italian Uncle: what the hell

Bossman: I wish I could fire you all sometimes

_JJ <3: has added Spencer Reid into the chat_

_Meme Dealer has changed Spencer Reid's name to: Dr. uwu_

Dr. uwu: How do you change your name?? 

useless lesbian :): nobody tell him

Chocolate Thunder: click the 3 dots and select "Change nickname"

Meme Dealer: aw why'd you gotta ruin it, Hot Chocolate??

_Dr. uwu has changed their name to Spencer_

Spencer: can we never talk about this again, please?

Chocolate Thunder: course, kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I should NOT have "I turned a bad copypasta into a rap" memorized.


	3. Fish feeder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to build plot, how's it going?

_useless lesbian :) has changed Spencer's name to dipshit twink :\_

useless lesbian :): there we go, now it's accurate 

dipshit twink :\: One time, I forget to feed my fish one time and you never let it go.

useless lesbian :): yeah ❤

Chocolate Thunder: Hold up, THE Dr. Spencer Reid FORGOT something??? When was this??

dipshit twink :\: 2 weeks ago I forgot to refill my fish feeder when we went on that case and some of the bigger fish ate the little ones. I told Emily about it and she promptly called me, and I quote, a "dipshit skinny, twig ass, looking twink" and then proceeded to tell me that I was never going to end up with someone if I can't refill a fish feeder.

Chocolate Thunder: that's fucking WILD dude

useless lesbian :): actually 

useless lesbian :): to be specific, I said

dipshit twink :\: Emily.

useless lesbian :): dw dw I won't say exactly what I said (:

Meme Dealer: dw means don't worry

dipshit twink :\: Thank you.

Chocolate Thunder: wait, what did Emily say??

useless lesbian :): I said that he was never going to get <redacted>'s dick if he couldn't remember to take care of some fucking fish

Chocolate Thunder: 👁👁 it only gets wilder by the minute 

JJ<3: more like the second, I'm the one who told her to bring it up

Chocolate Thunder: JJ??? saying that??? No

dipshit twink :\: JJ??? Using Emily to make sexual innuendos about the guy I'm in love with??? It's more likely than you think.

Meme Dealer: HE USED INTERNET TERMS AHHH!!!!

Italian Uncle: Reid using modern language? I think I have officially died

Bossman: We are in the middle of interviewing an unsub and here you all are losing it over Reid using internet slang and JJ saying something suggestive, Strauss is going to confiscate all your phones and have you fired over this.

dipshit twink :\: The day she fires me I'll tell the guy I'm in love with that I'm in love with him, it's not happening.

Meme Dealer: aww, don't talk like that my junior G-man!! You'll tell him one day!!

dipshit twink:/: no❤

JJ<3: yes❤

Bossman: Reid, one day you will, inevitably, breakdown and spill your heart out to him. It's unavoidable.

Italian Uncle: just don't do it while you're both drunk or you might end up eloping with an Elvis Presley impersonator making it happen.

dipshit twink :\: Noted. Don't end up pulling a Rossi.

Chocolate Thunder: the shade I can't- but yeah, what they said. Just tell him he'll love you, I'm like 100% sure he'll feel the same. Who couldn't love our resident genius? <redacted>

useless lesbian :): idk just do it man, I don't know what guys like in confessions. All I can say is to remember to bring condoms or something.

dipshit twink :\: Emily-

useless lesbian :): I DON'T KNOW HOW SEX WITH DICKS WORKS OK???

dipshit twink :\: imagine having a dick, just imagine 

useless lesbian :): I- goodbye

Meme Dealer: Emily just fucking ascended, didn't she?

dipshit twink :\: probably 

Chocolate Thunder: This chat is so explicit why hasn't Hotch made us delete it

Bossman: because then I'd be a hypocrite 

JJ<3: Damn ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Djdkdkd ok the redacted from Emily was Morgan obviously and Morgan's was "I know I do"


	4. You ever seen your crush's dick?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this is going honestly but I have a gc that in like 2014 or something Morgan posted a dick pic on tumblr (don't ask why) and then deleted it

fipshit twink :\: Imagine:

dipshit twink :\: You're the middle of work, making a geographical profile. All of the sudden you get a text. It's from your best friend. It's a picture of a dick.

dipshit twink :\: there's a text that follows, it says "yuh anyways I got a picture of your crushes dick and all I can say is rip your fuckin escoughagous or whatever 💔,"

dipshit twink :\ You ask her "how and WHY did you get that?" she says "I know people on tumblr," and then you remember it's 3 fucking AM in England.

useless lesbian :): you might as well have said my name it's not like anyone else would had said that ❤

Meme Dealer: what in the actual FUCK did I just read

JJ<3: Emily being Emily 

useless lesbian :): hey at least I had the confidence to fuck my crush at one point, mr. twink over here hasn't even texted him back in 2 hours 🙄🙄

dipshit twink :\: Emily shut the fuck up.

Chocolate Thunder: Reid has said fuck twice why is nobody commenting on this??

useless lesbian :): we were waiting for you to do it ❤❤

Chocolate Thunder: ok then

Italian Uncle: I think the more important question is how the hell a picture of Reid's crush's dick ended up on tumblr 

useless lesbian :): he posted it 2 years ago and then deleted tumblr

Bossman: Garcia remove me from the chat I don't want to hear about dick pics on tumblr while I am trying to build an airplane with Jack

_Meme Dealer has removed Bossman from the chat_

Meme Dealer: Hotch really said "aight Imma head out"

useless lesbian :): he really did

JJ<3: so back to the previous topic...

dipshit twink :\: no, I will NOT tell you what it fucking looked like fuck you 

Chocolate Thunder: hxjxjdjd I've never seen you get this worked up, calm down pretty boy

JJ<3: he just threw his phone I think you broke him Derek

Meme Dealer: this entire conversation is so much better when you know who it is

useless lesbian :): ^^^

JJ<3: it's so obvious like even Garcia figured it out and she's not a profiler smh

Meme Dealer: nah I just went through his phone and figured out by the way he texts him lmao

dipshit twink :\: jesus christ please stop going through my phone h

useless lesbian :): finish the sentence 

dipshit twink :\: fuck you, you useless piss baby

Chocolate Thunder: this is all so confusing I never know what's happening 

dipshit twink :\: good ❤

Meme Dealer: if this was a book the entire plot just got thrown in the thrash

useless lesbian :): no it just got more interesting 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the point where I have to change the rating


	5. Movie night (gone wrong)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter for you lovelies!!  
> Also I've gone through and edited things in other chapters!!

_ Bikini Bottom _

_ 7:37 P.M _

Meme Dealer: ho ho holy shit if you ever want anyone to feel pain just give them a uterus 

dipshit twink :/: and then make them a boy, now THAT is some pain let me tell you

Italian Uncle: lmao mood

Italian Uncle: anyways who wants to come to my house for dinner I made too much again

_ Meme Dealer has added Aaron Hotchner to the chat _

Meme Dealer: me

useless lesbian :): me

JJ <3: me

Chocolate Thunder: me

Aaron Hotchner: me

dipshit twink :/: Me toi!

useless lesbian :): toi

JJ <3: toi

Meme Dealer: toi

Italian Uncle: toi

Aaron Hotchner: toi

Chocolate Thunder: tf

useless lesbian :): get his ass

_ Meme Dealer has changed Aaron Hotchner's name to Bossman _

_ Aaron Hotchner has changed the chat name to Hell, probably _

Italian Uncle: back to the previous topic dinner and movie night at my house, I have wine and an abundance of whiskey for the drink choices

_ Meme Dealer has changed Italian Uncle's name to Whiskey uncle _

\---

_ Hell, probably  _

_ 9:23 PM _

Chocolate Thunder: why is not-doll Brahms kinda hot though 😳

useless lesbian :): ha gay

Chocolate Thunder: you're a lesbian Emily

useless lesbian :): what ab it

Chocolate Thunder: I

Bossman: we are having movie night turn your fucking phones off

Meme Dealer: Did Hotch just say the fuck word

useless lesbian :): LMAO THE FUCK WORD

Whiskey uncle: Hotch is gonna skin you all

Bossman: bet your ass I am

Bossman: Shut the fuck up and watch the movie

Chocolate Thunder: Yes sir

useless lesbian :): yes sir

Meme Dealer: Yes sir

Whiskey uncle: Yes sir

\---

_ Hell, probably  _

_ 12:42 A.M _

Chocolate Thunder: guys where's Reid???

Chocolate Thunder: he chugged like 3 glasses of wine and I can't find him

dipshit twink :/: haha snow go brrr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the cliffhanger,, I just had to ;)


End file.
